i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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