in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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