who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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