I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
