oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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