i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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