Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
