Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
