This is not my ceiling
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
