So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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