I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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