Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
