...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
