neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
