Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
