Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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