I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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