You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
