just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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