When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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