You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
