the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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