I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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