Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize