I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
