New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
