so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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