last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
