i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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