The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize