who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
