found the other keg... it's in the tree
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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