I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize