I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
