bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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