So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize