I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
