I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
