Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
