Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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