I puked a lego.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
