You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Welp...herpes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i've created a new STD.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
