How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
