think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
even my farts smell like vagina
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
