FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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