Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
