she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
