My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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