my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
