she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
