Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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