I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
