I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
