I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
