: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
