So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
