she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
3pm strippers are depressing
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
