is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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