im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
