I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize