Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
