My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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