True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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