I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
