my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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