To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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