I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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